To the "Mommy" - Me

Dear Me,

For the first time, I've never felt so distant from you. I had never doubted our connection. However you felt was exactly how I felt. Sad, happy, confused, frustrated, whatever it was, we felt exactly the same way. We were always standing together, laughing together, and crying together. We were inseparable... Until just lately, umm, maybe a little more than lately, maybe it's more like in the past a year or so, I left you.

I left you about three years after you became a mother.

I have always known that mothering did not come naturally to you. In fact, it’s still not natural to you now,  almost four years in.

I know that you've been struggling, hoping for better and easier everyday. You've been feeling so tired and drained. You used to at least connect with me during your commute. You read, you listen to music, and follow your friends on social media, but ever since you started commuting with your little one every day, you left no room for me. You've been feeling lost because you realized that you lost me.

Multiple times in the past a few weeks, I know you found yourself broken and on the verge of tears with your 4-year old. You don’t know what you are doing, You said to yourself that you weren't equipped for this. You’ve failed and it seemed that nothing you did was even making an imprint on your child.

I intend to tell you that you are a good mother. But I know how you really are, right from the beginning when we were completely a one whole. You just don't have the qualities and patience that a good mother should have. You are struggling. You want to be better. You want to be more patient. You've made little improvements here and there. But that's not natural to you. It often ended at square one.

You know you were not supposed to yell at your child. But you do because you are tired of controlling. You yell, because our dad yelled at us growing up. Also, because yelling works! You get results when you yell (especially when being nice is not working). You like results more than you dislike yelling (this, we still feel the same). Yelling helps (at least helps us feel relived).

How can you be a good mother when you can't even control your own emotions? How can you be a good mother if you are still me? You and I hate cooking. You and I don't even know what medicine to take when we don't feel well... You and I  don't know how to take care of others. Since your child started attending preschool about a year ago, you realized how much more obligation you have to fulfill. But you hate fundraising from the preschool. You hate being asked by teachers with lots of things. You hate those parents meetings... You are just NOT a good mother. You are simply learning not to be bad. You've been trying too hard not to be judged by other "good" mothers and teachers. And you don't feel so good when someone "labels" you a good mother.

You feel stuck. You don't know what to do since I left you. You can't blame anyone else except me, for leaving you alone.

But you know what? You are now a mother, that can't be changed. So accept it, be it, embrace it. It's not going to get easier, but YOU will get better. Because of the struggles you've gone through, and because of those little improvements you've made here and there, I must tell you, I am VERY proud of you!

You are going through hard times right now. It hasn't been what you hoped and it hasn't turned out the way you thought it would. You feel disappointed and sometimes feel like a failure no matter how much you try. But the truth is: YOU are not a failure. Despite it all, YOU have managed to keep your head up and continue fighting throughout.

You are in the exact place you are meant to be right now. Sometimes things just can't be changed. So breathe, be patient, and trust yourself. Let go of all the expectations you have created in your head. Accept reality as it comes. Accept life for what it is. LOVE who you really are and have become. There's nothing you should feel afraid of being away from me or being alone.

Always remind yourself that the only love you need is your own...

Happy Mother's Day to you, dear Mommy!

Love for eternity,

Me